Saying Goodbye

   

Newport Pier July 13, 2014

 Yesterday, thousands of people gathered together to pay tribute to a young lifeguard who gave his life to save someone. Some of these people knew him personally but most of those in attendance were there because they were reminded of fact that this young man gave his life protecting them. I was made aware of this tragedy because my son was one of the many surfers who paddled out into the ocean to say thank you. 

     Looking at this public display of affection took me back to the summer of 2004. Another good man also lost his life keeping others from harms way. That man was my brother-in-law, Brad Crawford. Thousands of people came to his memorial because his death also reminded the community of the fact that there are public servants who risk their lives to protect them. 

     These public displays of honor and thanksgiving are a good way for the community to have closure but for those who are touched personally by theses sudden deaths, this is only the beginning of learning to let go.

     Our family has been walking through this valley of the shadow of death for ten years. Just like a baby who learns to take their first steps, we have had to learn how to walk through our lives without Brad, literally, walking with us. But he is never far from our thoughts. When I look at his children and his grandchildren, I see parts of him shining through. I wish that he could be here to see them growing and changing and share life with us. When someone you love dies, you never get over it, you learn to live with it. Losing someone unexpectedly sends shockwaves through your soul and creates a vacuum for many unanswerable questions. So the path toward peace is long and often rocky at times. Sometimes you stumble and fall and you have to get back up and keep going forward.

     By chance, I met a man and woman this past week who had just experienced the loss of a family member who was shot and killed at work by an angry ex-employee. He was not a public servant. He was just a guy doing his job and was killed by someone else's rage. I suppose his story was on the nightly news and the community felt bad for a bit. As they told me their story, I felt their deep grief and my heart broke for them. Their lives have been changed forever. 

     July 30th will be the tenth anniversary of Brad's death. Each year we think of how we would like to honor him and remember him. Some years we have gone to the site where he was killed. Some years we have gathered together as a family. Some years we when we were not able to be together, we shared photos and memories on Facebook. These are all good ways to remember Brad but there is always that sense of emptiness in the end. These expressions seem a bit inadequate to what is felt in ones heart. 

Maui 2004 

     Brad was originally from southern California so he grew up going to the beach and surfing. He would often let his younger brother, Bruce, tag along. Surfing became a lifelong connection for Brad and Bruce. In 2003, we spent a week at Newport Beach with Brad and his family. Brad and Bruce were now in their forties and still surfing together. Neither one of them were great surfers, but their love of the ocean and riding the waves was all that really mattered. They also got to share this love of the ocean with their children and together, surf with their kids. So when Brad was killed we, as a family had a paddle out of our own on the island of Maui. Ours was an intimate way of saying goodbye to Brad. 

     So what do these sudden losses bring to us? They give us a greater awareness of suffering. They give us a deeper heart of compassion for those who also suffer. They teach us that we are all connected as a human family and that none of us is immune to suffering. They teach is that life is fragile and to treasure each moment. They teach us that without love, there would be no suffering. It is because we love that we suffer. The deeper the love, the greater the suffering. They teach us that to be alive is to experience both joy and sorrow, we can't have one without the other.

     So hold on to your family and friends and love them well. Be grateful to those in your community who serve you and show lovingkindness to them. See the suffering that is all around you and find a way to relieve that suffering. 

Love can change the world!

No one has greater love than the one who gives his life for his friends.  - Jesus