Abba I Belong To You

I was first introduced to the teaching of Brennan Manning in 1985 through a cassette tape. In that message he talked about a way of praying that I have practiced since that day. Breath prayers are prayers that can be recited in one breath. The example that he gave was the prayer Abba, I belong to you. As you breathe in you say “Abba” and as you breathe out you say “I belong to you.” So for the last twenty-eight years, on those nights when falling asleep seemed impossible, I found myself praying Abba, I belong to you. This is a comforting thought that I belong to God and that God loves me like a daddy loves his child. What a beautiful metaphor God has given us to describe what the love of God is like. I don’t have to look to far to see the love of a daddy for his child.

My son, Zachary, is a good daddy. I see how patient and kind is to my two grandsons. My oldest grandson, Noah, is a strong spirited little boy who knows what he wants and has great determination in fulfilling those desires. Sometimes, his daddy has to say no to him and this causes Noah great angst. The process that follows can be quite trying for his parents. And yet, I have watched Zach, and his wife Erika, respond to Noah with strength, kindness, compassion, and love time and time again. This is because they know that Noah is a gift given to them and so they handle him with great care. Noah knows that he belongs to his mom and dad in the since that they are home for him. He knows that he is safe in their arms.

As God’s children we can find that same comfort in our place in God’s kingdom. We can find safety in God’s embrace and know that this is home for us. So if you find yourself worrying about the stresses of life, take a few minutes to remember how deeply you are loved and pray:

Abba, I belong to you…

Today I read of Brennan Manning passing and my heart is filled with gratitude for the courageous way that he lived his life. His life was filled with deep pain and suffering and yet he ran after God through it all. He was not afraid to share his brokenness with anyone who was willing to listen if it could lead them to the loving arms of Jesus. Thank you Brennan for your transparency and your vulnerability. Rest in the arms of your Abba…

Who Am I? or The Gospel According to Victor Hugo

Many years ago when I lived in the Los Angeles area, I had the privilege of seeing a live performance of  Les Misérables, or as translated in English The Miserables. Last night Bruce and I went to see the latest re-creation of this powerful story written by Victor Hugo. We were alone in the theatre without the distraction of other people and so I was absorbed in the movie. This is a story that has been told over and over for 151 years. Why has it lasted so long? I believe that the answer to this question is because it speaks to the plight of human suffering at its core. The audience is drawn into the deep well of suffering displayed in all of the characters in this tragedy. It is through their lives that we connect with our own lives and our own suffering. The story unfolds during the French Revolution when the poor and oppressed rise up to fight for a more just and equitable society. We see a man, Jean Valjean, who has been beaten  down by life. He is poor and hungry and so he is reduced to stealing bread to feed his family. He ends up paying dearly for his desperation. He spends nineteen years at hard labor imprisoned for his crime.

When he is finally released from prison he finds refuge in a church. The Bishop who takes him in sees his brokenness and shows him love and compassion (when I was hungry you fed me). And how does Jean Valjean respond to this love? He steals silverware from the church. When he is captured and brought back to Bishop Myriel, the bishop shows the grace of God to him and lies to the police saying that these stolen items are actually gifts. And then in an act of deep mercy he gives Jean Valjean the silver candlesticks that he forgot to steal. The bishop gives everything to this lost and broken man and challenges him to find his soul. Jean Valjean looks up to the heavens and cries out to God, “Who am I” he asks, “Who am I?”  He spends the rest of his life seeking the answer  (seek and you shall find). His response to receiving love and grace from the bishop is to pour out his life for others. He dedicates his life to seeing the plight of others and showing love and compassion to them.

When Jean Valjean is confronted with a woman (Fantine) who has prostituted herself and is about to be arrested, he is shocked to discover that he played a part in her present condition. He is cut to the quick. He sees her and responds with love and compassion by caring for her until her death and then raising the daughter that she left behind. (When I was a stranger you invited me in; when I was naked you clothed me). This man chose to live his life through the eyes of grace and mercy because of the grace and mercy that he had experienced.

There was another man in this story who chose a different path to pursue. His name is Javert. He was Jean Valjean’s captor while he was in prison. He was a man of the law. In his own mind and heart he believed in his cause to bring a man to justice. Jean Valjean was a man on the run throughout the story for falling back into his old thieving ways one more time before his final repentance from this way of life. Javert was not concerned with redemption or transformation for Jean Valjean, rather he was a man of principle and the law ruled his life. Javert was determined to chase Jean Valjean down to the end of his days.  At one point in the story these two men come face to face and Jean Valjean has the chance to kill Javert never to be haunted by him again. Instead, he chooses mercy. He does not see Javert as an evil man or his enemy. He knows that this man is living by his conviction and doing what he believes is right. Sadly, Javert, unable to understand grace and mercy, plunges to his death in despair.

The movie version portrayed each of these characters in there own anguish, looking up to God and searching for their own souls. Each of them looking up to the heavens and asking in there own way:

Who am I?

And

God, who are you and where are you?

Where was God in this story? God is everywhere. God lives in us and through us.  The transformation of Jean Valjean’s life is at the heart of what we all hope for. I know how deeply I need the grace and mercy of God and of people to fall upon me and so I pray that I will see others with eyes of love and compassion rather than with eyes of judgment and condemnation.

Where is God in your story?

For I was hungry, and you gave Me something to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me something to drink; I was a stranger, and you invited Me in; naked, and you clothed Me; I was sick, and you visited Me; I was in prison, and you came to Me.’ Then the righteous will answer Him, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry, and feed You, or thirsty, and give You something to drink? And when did we see You a stranger, and invite You in, or naked, and clothe You? When did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?’  The King will answer and say to them, ‘Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me.

Matthew 25:35-40

New Beginnings

The start of a new year always reminds us of our mortality and purpose in life. We seek to make changes to improve our lives and grow into the people we want to be. I am truly thankful for my life and that God has taken my hand to lead me on my journey.  A very real and practical way that God has led me is through the ministry of spiritual direction. I have grown in my awareness of God, myself, and others by leaps and bounds through meeting monthly with a spiritual director.

If you are not aware of the ministry of spiritual direction then here is what it is and why I believe that it is so vital to the health of the people of God and to the world at large. A spiritual director is someone who is called and gifted by God to meet individually with people and listen with them for the movement and direction of God in their lives. Meeting with a spiritual director gives you the opportunity to look deeply into your life and see with new eyes, hear with new ears, and discover what God is up to in your life. Sometimes what God reveals is painful and sometimes what God reveals is delightful. The good news is that God's desire is to bring you freedom, truth, mercy, and love. I have experienced all of this in direction myself and have witnessed this as a director. This is good news! Jesus said that you shall know the truth and the truth will set you free. All of us at times have fallen into believing lies about ourselves, about others, and even about God. When these lies get exposed by the light of God, freedom reigns. Knowing the truth about your life can set you free in ways that are unimaginable. Meeting with a spiritual director is a unique experience because your time together is not about what is going on in each other’s lives—rather it is about what is going on in your life. It is about letting God shine the light on you. Sometimes the director will share portions of her life with you if it will be beneficial to your growth. 

I love this ministry and the privilege that I have to meet with people who are seeking after God with all the heart, soul, mind, and strength. It is such a joy to see people grow into their true selves. I have been meeting with people in various locations over the past few years and now I am excited to report that I have an office located on our property. When Bruce and I bought this land seven years ago we prayed over the land that it would bring peace and healing to anyone that God brings to us in this place. This is still my prayer and I am happy that I can continue as a spiritual director on this land.

So if meeting with a spiritual director is something that sounds beneficial to you or if you know of someone who is looking for a spiritual director, my door is open. May God richly bless you in the new year.

Cathy

Cathy Crawford

cathyc0914@gmail.com

(360) 852-6882

Why Don't You Write Me?

Last night when I laid my head down on my pillow I was feeling a bit discouraged. So as I often do I asked God to come to me and bring hope and compassion to me while I slept. Now I know that when I ask God to meet me in the middle of the night, I am always hoping that I well have sweet dreams and be refreshed when I wake. However, that is usually not what actually happen. Very often I will have a dream that wakes me up and then I am wide awake. Being awake is a good thing but I resist when it is 2:00 AM. So I woke up from a dream that I was having and in the dream I was sitting with a friend who was reading my journal and weeping over my life. I have learned from these experiences that it is best to have a conversation with God and ask for insight about my life rather than be frustrated about my inability to fall back to sleep. This is another way that I have been learning to listen to God in my life. As I lay there in bed listening I felt the presence of the Lord and saw that the compassionate friend was a representation of God. I was very comforted by this insight. I tend to not show myself much compassion or allow others to either.

So what did this dream tell me? As I reflected on how I felt in the dream it was clear that I felt, not just listened to but really heard. The friend in my dream was looking at my life with me and saw my pain. I felt the love and compassion of God in that dream.  

Then after much reflection I realized that there was a song running through my head. This also happens often to me during these times. I used to just get annoyed when this occurred because it seems like background noise or racket. But since this has happen so often to me, I have learned to listen instead and ask God why I would be hearing this song right now. Maybe God is trying to tell me something.

The song that I heard was written by, Paul Simon to his wife back in 1970 when they were apart from one another. The name of the song is Why Don’t You Write Me. This statement is repeated over and over in the song. I felt as if God were asking me to get up and write my thoughts back to God. I had been listening and now it was time to respond. I thought about what tomorrow would be like without rest so instead I waited for sleep to come again.

Writing is hard work. I enjoy writing because I gain insight and wisdom through the process. I resist writing because it is hard work. I worry too much about whether anyone will read what I write. So this blog is an act of obedience to answer the call of God saying to me, why don’t you write me?

When I was a child my parents had me say a prayer before bed:

Now I lay me down to sleep,

I pray the Lord my soul to keep.

If I should die before I wake,

I pray the Lord my soul to take.

God bless…

This is an okay prayer for a small child but as we grow into maturity with God it is vital that we learn to listen as well. God speaks to us in a variety of ways. God is everywhere! I so long to hear from the Maker of my soul, and yet I am a lazy listener. Jesus went around from town to town and spoke truth to the multitudes and when he was finished he would say who ever has ears let them hear.

God give us eyes to see you, ears to hear you, and a heart that understands.

Anger and Love

Yesterday, before I went to church,  I started my day with a personal study of love. Saint Paul describes love in his letter to the church at Corinth and in this description he states that, “love is not easily angered.” So I looked for a time in Jesus’ life when he got angry, why he got angry, and what he did with his anger. This led me to a day when Jesus was going to the synagogue to worship.

Jesus Heals on the Sabbath  Mark 3:1-6

 Another time Jesus went into the synagogue, and a man with a shriveled hand was there.  Some of them were looking for a reason to accuse Jesus, so they watched him closely to see if he would heal him on the Sabbath.  Jesus said to the man with the shriveled hand, “Stand up in front of everyone.” Then Jesus asked them, “Which is lawful on the Sabbath: to do good or to do evil, to save life or to kill?” But they remained silent. He looked around at them in anger and, deeply distressed at their stubborn hearts, said to the man, “Stretch out your hand.” He stretched it out, and his hand was completely restored.  Then the Pharisees went out and began to plot with the Herodians how they might kill Jesus.

When Jesus entered this place of worship he saw a man with a withered hand and his response was one of compassion and mercy. However, there were people there that were looking for a reason to accuse Jesus of breaking the rules. This meant that if Jesus reached out to the man and healed him, then he would be breaking the rule of healing on the Sabbath.  Jesus knew that he was being closely watched and these people were just itching to find a way to kill him. So what does he do? He parades the guy up in front of everyone making sure they can all see. Then he asks them what they think is the lawful thing to do. Should he do good or do evil; bring life or destroy life. They didn’t have an answer for him. Then we read that Jesus looked at them in anger. His heart was broken over their inability to find love in their hearts in this place of worship. That made Jesus angry! Their hearts were cold and hard. They could not see the suffering man standing before them because they  were preoccupied with finding a way to kill Jesus. Their hearts were filled with anger as well.

So what did Jesus do with his anger? He chose the way of love. He looked at the men who were seeking to kill him and then gave them what they wanted. He chose to do good and to bring life by healing the man’s withered hand. Maybe Jesus thought that by demonstrating this act of love and mercy he would penetrate the stubborn hearts of the Pharisees. Sadly, this is not what happened.

The Pharisees saw this healing miracle as a great way to plan Jesus’ demise. They began to plot a way to kill him. Their anger led them down a very different path than the path of love. They chose the path of evil and destruction. My son Zachary, painted this picture a while back and it shows what happens to us when we let anger lead us toward evil and destruction. The title of the painting is "Anger Eats."

So how does this translate in our lives. When we find ourselves angry toward injustice, how are we to respond? We can choose the way of love and mercy ourselves as Jesus did. When we are filled with anger toward the oppression and hard-heartedness that we see in our world, we can reach out our hands to bring the healing touch of Jesus to those who suffer. Or we can choose the way of the Pharisee and be more concerned with keeping the rules. We can plot the demise of anyone who breaks the rules to oppose injustice.

In the end who won? The Pharisees got what they wanted. Jesus ended up dead. The Pharisees convinced the crowd that Jesus was a blasphemer. He was a troublemaker and needed to be dealt with severely. In the eyes of the religious leaders, it really didn’t matter that Jesus was doing good and bringing life to the masses. He was a dangerous man who had to be stopped. They put him in the grave hoping to solve their problem and yet the power of love broke through when Jesus rose from the dead.

Love is stronger than hate!

Love is the greatest power on earth!

Love overcomes evil!

Love brings life!

Let your anger lead you to love!

He has told you, O man, what is good; And what does the LORD require of you But to do justice, to love kindness, And to walk humbly with your God?

Micah 6:8

Perfect Love

Today I woke at 4:30 AM from a very vivid dream. I was in a school classroom with a group of people and there was a fire raging outside the building. The person in charge, which I assume now was the teacher, told us that there were firemen outside working hard to put out the fire and that we would be rescued soon. After what seemed like a very long time of waiting, I started walking around the room looking out of the windows. As I peered through the windows that seemed to surround the room all I could see were billowing flames of fire. It was clear to me that barring a miracle; we were about to be engulfed in the flames ourselves. We all came together in the center of the room and got down on our hands and knees to pray. As I was fervently praying for God to come and save us, I began to feel the heat of the flames and my mind began to race. I was thinking, we are not going to be saved; we are going to burn to death! God was not going to rescue us. Then I woke up.

Upon reflection, I can see this dream as a graphic snapshot of my life. I have been in the classroom of life. The other students are all of humanity. The teacher is Jesus. The firemen represent all of the trappings of the world that we place our hope in to rescue us from our pain and emptiness. The fire itself is the harsh reality of life on earth. Pain and suffering in this world are inescapable. And so that best we can do is to cry out to Jesus to save us. Save us from the flames that are nipping at our necks. Save us from ourselves; from the deeply entrenched fears that we carry with us. My life is messy. I often find myself doubting whether God is going to save me from my own messiness.  Living in fear is worse than dying in flames. None of us has the power to save ourselves from the dangers and pitfalls that this world brings to us. Our only hope is to cling to the love of God that will carry us through the flames.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

                                                                                1 John 4:18

DREAM ON

Early in our marriage Bruce and I made a bold move to the state of Washington that we expected to last for many years. However, we were surprised to discover that our plans were not necessarily what God had in mind. When the life that we sought after crumbled, we were left homeless. So we turned to our family and headed back to California. We had two small children and had no idea what the future held. It didn’t seem reasonable for us to live with family members for long because they didn’t have room for us.

As I was seeking guidance from the Lord, I was prompted to call on an old friend of mine who was also going through a difficult time in her life. She lived in a large home with her four children and unfortunately, she found herself going through the dark valley of divorce. I sensed that we would be able to encourage one another during this transitional time in our lives. So I asked her if we could move in with her. She said yes. And so Bruce, myself, and our two kids moved into her finished two-car garage. In return for our housing, Bruce remodeled a couple of her bathrooms and we babysat her kids while she went back to school to get her teaching credential. Practically, it was a win-win situation for both of us. Spiritually, God met us in some very deep and healing ways through many long nights of deep conversation. I look on that time of my life with great appreciation.

Eventually we moved on but I remember saying to God that when I got older that I would like to help young couples get started in life. It wasn’t until recently that God reminded me of that prayer and opened my eyes to see that God was listening to my heart.

Now we live in Washington again and we have been given the gift of a little piece of land to live on. When my son Zachary and his wife Erika decided to move up here as well, Bruce and Zach put their building skills to work and transformed a section of our barn into a guesthouse. It is really quite nice. After living there for a year they decided to buy a house close by and God brought another young couple to our doorstep.

Liz and Drew took up residence in the guesthouse while they completed construction on a house that they had purchased. Before they moved in I really didn’t know them at all and now they have become close friends. It was great fun to watch them realize their dreams as they worked on their own home. They were with us for about eighteen months.

On May 15,2010, my youngest daughter Marianne was married to Michael Wallace on our property. It was a beautiful outdoor wedding and they were surrounded by God’s natural touch through creation. The weather was perfect on that day in between rainstorms that lasted for weeks on end. They took up residence in the guesthouse and set to dreaming about their life together. And before long they decided to move to Bend Oregon. 

Around this same time, Zach and Erika, with our grandson Noah, made the decision to move back to California. Their dream was to live at the beach and now they do. Saying goodbye was very hard to do but I am so happy for them and how God has led them along the way.

So in a matter of weeks Bruce and I found ourselves living alone. We spent the winter months together and it was a refreshing time. And then last spring a close friend of mine found herself in a troubling time. She was faced with the task of moving and was not sure of how she was going to find a living situation that would meet the needs of her and her children. So as Bruce and I sought the Lord on this matter and we felt led to open our home to her. She is now living with us along with three of her children and they are a great blessing to us.

 On September 25, 2011, my daughter Emily married Ryan Keith and they have dreams of being full time musicians. They are both very talented and I have no doubt that they will bring beautiful music to the world throughout their lives. So to get started, they have moved into the guesthouse and Bruce and Ryan are building a recording studio on the property.

All of these young couples and my friend and her family have enriched my life beyond measure. I am a blessed woman.

Life is a great adventure! It is such great fun to see the work of God in the lives of others. When Bruce and I moved to this little piece of land we walk the perimeter of the property and stopped to pray for God’s peace and blessing to be upon the land and anyone whom God brought here. What a joy it is to see that unfold.