Cry Baby

What is the worst name that you can remember being called as a kid? For me it was being called a Cry Baby. I spent years of my life running from both of these words. I learned at a very young age that crying made me vulnerable to the actions of others. So I developed a wall of protection for myself by shutting off my tears. I worked very hard at not letting others see me cry. When I did cry, I sought solitude. After all, if I needed to be weak I could do that alone. 

This is such a distorted way of seeing. I have the privilege of listening to the lives of others as a Spiritual Director and very often what I hear comes from a deep place of pain and suffering. How can we exist without our tears? However, when a person sitting before me is moved to tears, more often than not they will apologize for crying and try to stop as soon as possible. I have also done this myself. Why do we do this? Because we see our tears as an embarrassing intrusion when in reality they are a gift to us. When we are moved to tears this is a sign that we are alive and that we feel things deeply!

Several years ago I was at a spiritual direction retreat and a woman stood up and shared how she had been living without her heart for many years. The pain in her life had become unbearable and so she just tuned out emotionally. In that moment I felt a prick in my own heart and how I had also been living without my heart in various ways. And so I set out on a journey back to whole living. The journey back to living a whole-hearted life has been excruciating at times and I have shed many tears along the way but I am more alive today than I was before embarking on this road to wholeness. 

I have asked God daily to give me eyes to see and ears to hear and a heart of understanding for myself, for others, and for my world. However, the answer to this prayer does not come without a cost. To really see and hear and understand the reality of my world causes me great pain. I believe that as God continues this work of awareness in me, that I  am becoming more of a whole person. What I also receive is the gift of tears. Being alive to the world means being aware of the joys and the sorrows of the world. So each day I can see the darkness and the light that is all around me. The goodness of God surrounds me in the beauty of creation. I see the power and majesty of God in the lives of people. It takes strength and endurance to live in a world that is filled with suffering. The longer I walk on this earth the more I see people of courage who are willing to open their lives and hearts to a hurting world. 

I want to be a person of compassion that offers healing and hope to the  weary of this world. Sometimes I feel very powerless in this desire and then I am reminded of the words of Mother Teresa who said to start by helping the one that is before you. The older I get the more I see that changing the world starts first with myself and then to the one that is in my presence whoever that may be.

I still do not like crying in front of other people but I am learning to let go of my fear. I do not want to be afraid of tears anymore because they remind me that my heart is still beating. They are a sure sign of my love and compassion for my world. I am still here on this earth and so I will continue to seek the path of living from my whole heart. This is the way of Jesus.

During the days of Jesus' life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with fervent cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission. 

                                   Hebrews 5:7