Cry Baby

What is the worst name that you can remember being called as a kid? For me it was being called a Cry Baby. I spent years of my life running from both of these words. I learned at a very young age that crying made me vulnerable to the actions of others. So I developed a wall of protection for myself by shutting off my tears. I worked very hard at not letting others see me cry. When I did cry, I sought solitude. After all, if I needed to be weak I could do that alone. 

This is such a distorted way of seeing. I have the privilege of listening to the lives of others as a Spiritual Director and very often what I hear comes from a deep place of pain and suffering. How can we exist without our tears? However, when a person sitting before me is moved to tears, more often than not they will apologize for crying and try to stop as soon as possible. I have also done this myself. Why do we do this? Because we see our tears as an embarrassing intrusion when in reality they are a gift to us. When we are moved to tears this is a sign that we are alive and that we feel things deeply!

Several years ago I was at a spiritual direction retreat and a woman stood up and shared how she had been living without her heart for many years. The pain in her life had become unbearable and so she just tuned out emotionally. In that moment I felt a prick in my own heart and how I had also been living without my heart in various ways. And so I set out on a journey back to whole living. The journey back to living a whole-hearted life has been excruciating at times and I have shed many tears along the way but I am more alive today than I was before embarking on this road to wholeness. 

I have asked God daily to give me eyes to see and ears to hear and a heart of understanding for myself, for others, and for my world. However, the answer to this prayer does not come without a cost. To really see and hear and understand the reality of my world causes me great pain. I believe that as God continues this work of awareness in me, that I  am becoming more of a whole person. What I also receive is the gift of tears. Being alive to the world means being aware of the joys and the sorrows of the world. So each day I can see the darkness and the light that is all around me. The goodness of God surrounds me in the beauty of creation. I see the power and majesty of God in the lives of people. It takes strength and endurance to live in a world that is filled with suffering. The longer I walk on this earth the more I see people of courage who are willing to open their lives and hearts to a hurting world. 

I want to be a person of compassion that offers healing and hope to the  weary of this world. Sometimes I feel very powerless in this desire and then I am reminded of the words of Mother Teresa who said to start by helping the one that is before you. The older I get the more I see that changing the world starts first with myself and then to the one that is in my presence whoever that may be.

I still do not like crying in front of other people but I am learning to let go of my fear. I do not want to be afraid of tears anymore because they remind me that my heart is still beating. They are a sure sign of my love and compassion for my world. I am still here on this earth and so I will continue to seek the path of living from my whole heart. This is the way of Jesus.

During the days of Jesus' life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with fervent cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission. 

                                   Hebrews 5:7

Love Your Enemies

This guitar has a history. It has been with me for about thirty years now. I received this guitar from my husband, Bruce, as a gift. I spent many years enjoying the music that came from this instrument by the work of my hands. Some years later my daughter, Emily, learned to play the guitar and found her soul through singing and songwriting. Her spirit comes through her music and when I listen to her sing I am deeply moved. After all she is my daughter. Choosing the life of a musician takes much courage in todays world.  I admire Emily for living from her true self. For many years she could not afford to buy a guitar of her own so she played mine. It was not her guitar of choice but she brought forth beautiful music from it and I delighted in sharing it with her. This is the guitar that she used to create her first CD.

A few weeks ago when thieves came into our home, this guitar was one of the things they snatched. It was sitting out in plain sight in my bedroom. I have often thought about passing this guitar along to one of my grandchildren or selling it because I do not play it anymore. So when it was taken I figured that that was that. I never expected to see it again. Then a few days after the robbery, the police called us and asked us what kind of guitar we had stolen and if we had a picture of it. Because we had pictures from Emily's CD we were able to recover the guitar plus many of the other items that were taken from us. When I saw the guitar it had some damage to the face. The people that took it did not bother to care for its condition. The police tracked down the thieves and informed us that they were heroin addicts. So my guitar was an opportunity for their next fix. The sad part of this is that this guitar does not have much monetary value anymore. I doubt that they would have received much money for it had they been able to pawn it off. So now it is hanging back up in my bedroom after its adventure into the drug world and after taking a beating. 

This experience got me to thinking about the words of Jesus:

“But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back.  Do to others as you would have them do to you."

We live in a very broken world. The people that broke into our home are living desperate lives. Their lives are more valuable than anything the stole. Are they my enemy? Yes, I suppose they are. They threatened my world. In their desperation, they brought harm to me and my family. They mistreated us and took what belonged to us. I am thankful that no one in my family encountered the robbers while they were in our home. My son-in-law was out working in the shop that is located on our property that day. He could have very easily walked in on them. Surprisingly, my response when I heard that we had been robbed was sadness. When we went to the police station to retrieve some of our possessions, I again felt a deep sadness. In the foyer of the police station there is a glass case filled with pictures and

Brad Crawford

memorabilia of my brother-in-law. Ten years ago, he was killed in the line of duty. I have seen the memorial before but not for many years now. I do not have much reason to visit the police station. We lost Brad because he encountered desperate people. Are they my enemy? I suppose they are. They took a good man's life and robbed our family. The pain of losing Brad will never go away. 

So how do we love our enemies? By treating them the exact opposite of the way they have treated us. We choose the way of love. We do good rather than evil. We bless rather than curse. We give rather than take. Choosing to treat our enemies in this way is what will change the world. This is the way of Jesus.

What is in your purse? or Where is your treasure?

Yesterday someone broke into my home and stole several thousand dollars worth of possessions from Bruce and me. They also stole some things from me that were passed down from my grandparents and my dad who is no longer living. I am sad that someone chose to invade my life and help themselves to what did not belong to them. Such is the brokenness of the world we live in. Here are some thoughts that this event churned up inside of me.

I have the great pleasure of being in California this week spending time with my family. I love my family. No one knows me like they do and they choose to love me anyway. I have been blessed with a family that will stick by me through thick and through thin. We have shared many joys and many sorrows together. Sometimes our relationships have been tested but we have always turned back toward one another. We do this because we are a family and so we choose love.

When I was a little girl and a member of the youngest generation of my family I had a great since of belonging. I felt like I was a part of two tribes. One was my dad’s family and the other was my mom’s family. They were very different tribes and I loved being a member of both of them. I learned how to relate to God, other people, and the world through the influence of my family. Children learn through observation and I remember doing a lot of watching and learning as a child. I was the youngest child in my immediate family and I had thirty-two first cousins that were older than me so I had many people to look up to.

As a young adult I began having children of my own and I began the cycle all over again for my children. I wanted my children to grow up with a strong tribal connection to their family. Bruce and I cultivated a close relationship for our children with their grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. I believe that it is important to know who you are and where you come from because this gives us  a sense of belonging and grounding in the world. I love the influence that my parents and Bruce’s parents have had on my children as they have been finding their way in life. I’m thankful for the relationships that exist with my children and their aunts and uncles. This gives them someone to look up to and learn from as they journey through the ups and downs that life brings. I’m thankful for the relationships that have developed with my children and their cousins. These are their peers and hopefully, they will be a strength to them for a lifetime.

Now my children are having children. It is time for them to pass this heritage on to my grandchildren. I love being with my grandchildren. Yesterday, I was reading and my grandson, Noah, who is five years old asked me what I was reading about. I told him that I was reading about relationships. He said, “What is a relationship?” I explained to him what our relationship was and then what other relationships were with other people in his life. It is so much fun to have these spontaneous moments with him. He is a very inquisitive child and we have great conversations. Being a grandmother is the greatest gift in the world. I love that Noah asks everyday that I am staying at his house how much longer I am going to stay. He never wants me to leave. It feels good to be so loved and wanted by him. I believe that this is how God sees me and loves me. God looks forward to being with me everyday. God doesn’t want me to leave because of the love relationship that we have with one another.

So where is my treasure? It is with things that are eternal. My relationships with the people in my life are eternal. The things that will have lasting meaning for me are the relationships in my life. My tribe will carry on long after I have taken my last breath on earth. Many generations will come after me and although I will be forgotten, my life will carry on into eternity.

Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will never fail, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys.  For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

                                                                                 Luke 12:33-34

O Holy Night

I was at a Christmas Party recently and was asked to share my favorite Christmas Carol in way of introducing myself. I did not have to think twice about my choice. I have been listening to O Holy Night since I was a young girl. When I hear this song it ignites hope in me. It reminds me of the passage that Jesus chose to begin his public ministry in Nazareth. He read from the book of Isaiah proclaiming:

“The Spirit of the Lord is on me,
because he has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners
and recovery of sight for the blind,
to set the oppressed free,
to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.”

Jesus told the people that he was the fulfillment of this message and that this good news was for everyone, even their enemies. Unfortunately, when the crowd heard this they tried to throw him off a cliff.

O Holy Night proclaims a thrill of hope for a weary world. Is there anyone who does not need to hear this message of hope? As a follower of Jesus, I to, want to be a messenger of hope to a weary world.

While I was at this party, I had a conversation with a friend of mine who is very passionate about social justice. Our conversations alway encourage me because I see her heart of compassion for a weary world. She sees the suffering and the oppression in the world and it is never far from her thoughts and prayers. In the course of this conversation, we talked about the newly released movie, 12 Years A Slave. This is the true story of a free man living in New York in 1841. He gets kidnapped and taken to the south and is enslaved for the next twelve years (the slave is our brother). I went to see this movie on Thanksgiving. The movie was painful to watch. It shows the cruelty of slavery that we inflicted on people of color for hundreds of years. One of the most painful parts was to see how the Bible was used to justify torture and oppression. This is such a contrast to the life and mission of Jesus. I choose to expose myself to these stories to remind me that the world is still in sin and error pining. We would like to think that oppression and injustice are a thing of the past in this country. I know that this is so far from the truth.

I have found in my own life that when I speak of the oppressed poor in this country I ignite anger or defensiveness in those who find comfort in there social position. The conversation always turns to the poor in other nations and how rich we are in America. While I know that statically this is a true statement I also know that we have a responsibility to care for the poor of this nation. What I often hear is harsh words and blame for those who find themselves in need in America. It must be their fault that they are poor. After all they live in the wealthiest nation on earth. What is wrong with them? They must be lazy. According to the Census Bureau of 2011 nearly 50 million Americans are living in poverty. This is due to the rise in unemployment or low wage employment. Many of the people living in poverty in this country are working. They are not lazy. To live in the wealthiest nation in the world and still go to bed hungry and without heat is a national disgrace. This tells me that we are a nation without compassion for those in need in our very midst. Yes, I do believe that we must care for the poor in other parts of the world but shouldn’t we also care for those in our own community. To use the poor of the world to ignore the poor in our midst is cruel. It seems at Christmas time our hearts open to those in need and we tend to give a bit more than usual. This is a good start but we must find a way to relieve suffering that has a lasting impact. I know that it is unfair that I happen to be born into a nation that is rich. I did not choose this or deserve this it just came to me. No one chooses their place of birth. Jesus was born in poverty. He grew up in a small town and learned to make a living as a carpenter. As a man of thirty he stepped into the center of his world and preached this good news that God cares for the poor, the prisoner, the sick and the oppressed. He then spent the next three years living out this mission by extending love, healing and compassion to those in need. The powerful and wealthy of his community did not like what they saw happening and felt threatened by his life and message. Their response was to oppose him to the point of conspiracy and murder.

The final verse of this song sums up what I believe and hope for in this Christmas season and in every season of the year. Let us seek to love one another, break the chains of oppression and work for true peace toward all of creation!

Oh Holy Night

Oh holy night!
The stars are brightly shining
It is the night of the dear Savior's birth!
Long lay the world in sin and error pining
Till he appear'd and the soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn!

Fall on your knees
Oh hear the angel voices
Oh night divine
Oh night when Christ was born
Oh night divine
Oh night divine

Led by the light of Faith serenely beaming
With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand
So led by light of a star sweetly gleaming
Here come the wise men from Orient land
The King of Kings lay thus in lowly manger
In all our trials born to be our friend

Truly He taught us to love one another
His law is love and His gospel is peace
Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother
And in His name all oppression shall cease
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
Let all within us praise His holy name